Pass Me Not

Yesterday was a weird day for me.  Work was quiet and slow giving me ample time to be alone in my mind.  Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it can be a little frightening because my thoughts take off and go to places they were never intended to go.  Some of my thoughts packed their bags and camped out in the imaginary land of worst case scenarios and conclusion jumping, causing me to be anxious, squirmy, and panicked.  And then every once in a while, valiant Truth raced in on his caramel colored horse (yeah, I know it's not white, I dig a caramely horsey, I mean, what if?), searched for the loose thoughts and beckoned them back to safety with his words "Do not be anxious about anything", and "My peace I give to you, do not let your heart be troubled," and "do not worry about tomorrow..." bringing rest and right perspective to my rebellious, little mind.

Since I had so much alone time at work, when I got home I knew I needed my roommate. Jourdan was out of town and Kristen was not home yet, so I called her to find out her plans. Much to my relief, she was headed home so we decided to make some chicken and spend some time together.  As we were waiting for Kristen's special chicken to cook, we opened up the guacamole and ate the entire container except for the part that I dumped on the rug in the middle of the kitchen floor.   A typical, graceful, Sarah moment for sure :)

As we were getting dinner ready, we had some time to catch up and share our experiences over the last couple of days.  It was interesting to listen to Kristen and hear about the tough place God has her in currently and then for me to share my own unexplainable course of events. Even though our situations are different, we both find ourselves in a place of questioning what God is doing and while we know in our minds that He is faithful and good, we were both questioning that in our hearts.  

As we shared our stories, I not surprisingly got emotional and the tears came down my face a-freaking-gain. (Who knew the body could produce so much salt water? These days I feel like I have an IV connected to the Pacific Ocean or something.)  Kristen was experiencing her own place of processing and emotion and it was sweet to be able to sort through our questions together.  One of the coolest things about our living situation in humble little apartment 2002, amidst the randomness and silliness, is the transparency that is found here.   A cool, connecting gift for sure.  

After eating our dinner, Kristen went to her room and began playing her keyboard.  I came in a few minutes later and we spent some time talking about music and worship and God.   At some point we began discussing old hymns and Kristen told me her favorites and I asked her if she knew "Pass me Not". I'm not sure why God brought that song to mind since it is relatively obscure, but as I sang the words to her and as she figured it out on the keyboard, I realized it was the exact plea of my heart and mind during this time of wondering what in the world God is doing.

Here are the words to a couple of the verses:

Pass me not, O gentle Savior

Hear my humble cry;

While on others thou art calling,

Do not pass me by.

Let me at thy throne of mercy

Find a sweet relief;

Kneeling there in deep contrition,

Help my unbelief

So as cheesy as it sounds, Kristen and I played and sang some music to God and He was there among us.  I was reminded that it is ok to ask God to help me in my unbelief--to give my questions and frustrations to him, because He can handle it.  I also realized that my heart is at a place of wanting to be nothing if not purposeful in bringing his relief and transformation to others--whatever it takes--and although I am fearful of him "passing me by"  I know He will not and honestly, that He is not.

When I got in bed last night, I still had the same unanswered questions.  But through my time with Kristen, valiant Truth faithfully rode in again on his caramel colored horse and set my mind on things above and His rest tenderly followed.

Currently, I find myself in a place where trust, belief, and pursuit have never been so real to me as they are now and it is hard work.  And yet the cool part about my situation is that when the pieces begin coming together, I will only be able to say "God absolutely did that" -- not me but Him, and I can't wait.  He will come through for me, He will come through for Kristen, He will come through for you.  

God, help us in our unbelief and please, pass us not.